Patience, Usefulness, and Goodness

A few weeks ago, I was able to attend church with a family that is very close us. As we arrived and the service was starting, one of the kids grabbed my hand and joyfully ushered me to a seat. The past few days, I have been thinking about that image. When was the last time I joyfully lead someone to hear about Christ? Maybe leading someone by the hand is a bit much, but what have I done that accomplishes the same goal. What is it about children that allows them to so freely and fully give like they do? They don't hold anything back and that includes telling others about Christ. 

As I have become an adult, I have become a very accepting person. I have learned that everyone has their own stories filled with both hope and pain. I try to not make others feel bad about the choices they have made, but at the same time try to make the reason why I live the way I do clear. Is this enough though? Should I find my local street corner and start proclaiming (not in this weather...burr)? Where is the line then? How far into someones life should I trespass?

I have tried to live it out by example so others could see, and then when they need help in their life they will be likely to seek me out. Sometimes I complain about being a problem solver, but the truth is I love it. I love it because I’m good at it. I’m good at it because that's how God made me. I loved working at camp, because there is always a million problems that need fixing. I felt needed and useful.

During this transition it has been tough. I have felt like a star player sitting on the bench. Fouled out of the game and having to watch others do what I love. Its the uselessness that makes waiting so hard. Not that I always have the coolest head in an emergency, it is just so ingrained inside of me to act. That's why for me this has not a period of rest, it has been a period of inaction.

I have been searching through the little moments in my day how I can act. At work there is opportunity, but it is just a small means to no end. At best I am ensuring that some children know they are cared for. A good thing for sure, but not enough.

The search to find what is next for us has been very hard. I sit at the computer and look through listings, check church websites, listen to sermons online, research the area even stalk the church staff on facebook. I see what they are doing, the type of person they want to come serve at their church and immediately my mind starts reeling. I notice immediate gaps, see instant improvements. I’m not saying I’m perfect, its just that action is to strong inside of me, it is my immediate reaction to most things.

But, in the end it is just nice thoughts. I wait, desperate to act, to be needed and feel useful, while at the same time trying unbearably to understand what exactly God wants me to learn in this time.

While I wait, I am warm, fed, clothed, and loved. My heart strives to be content with this, but without being useful, it is difficult. So, I ask you pray for me to be content with what is before me. I ask for patience. I also ask to that you pray for me to be ok with not being needed. That I am not useless.

This verse in look has been looming over me for the past year or so. It has kind of become my mission, and the thing that really has helped my carry on. Luke 6:45 “A good man brings good things out of the good stored up in his heart, and an evil man brings evil things out of the evil stored up in his heart. For the mouth speaks what the heart is full of.”

Here’s to goodness.