On Saturday, my blushing bride (of five years) and I went out to eat. We like going out, spending time away, just the two of us. And there, over the end bites and pieces of our dinner and last bits of melting ice in our drinks, we had the best conversation of our marriage.
Lately I have been down. Very down. This transitional time in our life has continued much longer than I thought it would. It’s hard during this time to not blame myself. If I am not getting a job it has to be because I am not desired as a worker. Now this is true with most jobs but I am not trying to get most jobs. I am desiring to follow God’s will for my family and that means waiting and listening until the doors are opened for us. This is hard. Very hard. To not feel inadequate in God’s time is a difficult thing. As a result of this time, I have lost faith in myself. This is where my bride comes in.
She reminds me of who I am, of the person God created me to be. She looks me in the eyes and tells me how much she loves and supports me. This is how a marriage works. When one is down, God fills the other with strength.
You see, lately I have been having a problem. God created me to love. That is the purpose he has for me, and that is the way he gifted me. God gifted me in a way that allows me to love people in the way that they need it. This is why I work so well with kids. So many kids just want someone to pay attention to them. This can mean just talking, playing a game, or giving a hug. I know a lot of people don’t understand it but when I pick a kid up and then their face lights up, I know I am doing what I was created to do. When that child knows someone would think they are so special that they drop what they are doing, pick them up in their arms and give them their undivided attention, it means the world to them.
Here is the thing with me though I love all kids whether they are my own or not like they are my own. My reason for doing this is as follows; I don’t know if there is anyone in their life who loves them like they were their own child. And to me, this is unacceptable. To love a child like they are your own means to unconditionally love them. No matter how many times they don’t listen, or how often they ask you a question, or jump on your back you still love them wholeheartedly.
There is a very clear mandate that God has given all men to treat and take care of orphans and widows. But you know what, you don’t just run into little Annie on the street anymore. There are so, so many kids without a father or without a strong male role in their life. These kids are all around us, in our church, our schools, and neighborhoods. Developing a relationship like this can be tough. It has been for me, you see not everybody appreciates a guy giving a child attention. So many people now assume something wrong or bad is happening. I have faced this challenge many times in my own life. Co-workers, parents, and passers by don't quite understand why this guy who is not the father is picking up and holding a kid. But to me the thought of knowing that a kid didn't get a hug today because someone else doesn't think its appropriate makes me sick. Its kind of funny that hugs can be offensive but some people see it that way.
Let me give you some perspective. Recently I got to hang out at camp for a few days. During that time, I was approached by a girl who I didn't recognize at first who proceeded to tell me about her day. After a couple days of this happening it finally clicked. Three years ago this camper was at camp and got very homesick. I made sure that everyday she was checkup on and that she was having fun and every night I made sure she got a big hug and knew that someone was looking out for her. I didn't bring it up with her but on Friday before heading home we were sitting by the chapel and she leaned over and said “thank you, I don't think I would have made it this week without you.” Now, I’m not telling this story because I want a parade, neither do I want people reading to go “Aww thats so sweet” (feel free to aww in the comfort of your own home). To me, this was common sense. This wasn't going above and beyond, it wasn't going an extra mile. I was following my mandate as given to me by my Creator to be loving and that is all. This is the way I live my life. This is what I am going to focus on. While there may be doubt and uncertainty due to the circumstances I face in my life, I will still live my life this way. While we wait and hold in this pattern of transition I will continue to serve, with a fully loving heart.
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